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Ladies Looking for Love A Book Review
by Lisa Chavez
When Ian Kerner’s book came across my desk, I was tempted to pass -- in spite of the catchy title: You’re Not that Into Him Either. After all, it sounded like girly stuff, a relationship book. But then I thought, well, Kerner’s the same guy who wrote She Comes First, the peachy little handbook for men to get women right where they want them -- under their tongues. [See our archives for last year’s review of She Comes First.] That book was full of juicy tips like, "the pH level of her vulva is remarkably similar to that of wine, so cunnilingus and the fruit of the vine are the perfect pairing. Try a dry white, or a red Zinfandel -- wines that are a little more on the acidic side will add some zing to your tongue." From there Kerner went on to talk about the wines that go best with pussy juices. That sweet tip alone was worth the price of She Comes First. In addition, though Kerner is the Ph.D. kind of doctor, he’s still a marital sex counselor in his day job, so it seems reasonable to expect his new book about "reaching the love you deserve" to have some nice frankly sexual description running throughout.
But alas, You’re Not That Into Him gets a low rating for sexual content. It does start out with the interesting question can women really love like men -- that is, have successful fuck buddies and hot one-nighters, no turning back. He talks about the vole (which mates for life) versus the rat (which fucks anything that moves). He suggests that women tend towards vole with an inner rat and men tend towards rat with an inner vole, but he leaves room for statistical variation. He does provide a great factual tidbit addressing a question that always comes up in discussions of this sort: "what about the animals that mate for life?" Kerner tells us that 3% of mammals mate for life, which suggests that fucking everything that moves doesn’t have to be the best way to perpetuate a species, but it’s certainly the most popular way. Then Kerner talks about how men and women have complementary chemical responses based on their different hormones. Long story short, biology seems to have wired things so that waiting until there is emotional attachment before having sex works in women’s favor (is more aligned with their chemistry) while casual sex favors male chemistry. Or as Kerner puts it, "When you have sex for sex’s sake with someone you’re not really that into, you’re tapping into your inner rat instead of seeking out the inner vole in your ideal rattish mate." Faint scent of prudery, there. And not written for predatory women or women going thru predatory phases. (The "you" in this case is the late 20s - 40-something women Kerner presumes are reading his book.)
You may hear the book’s title around the office or at the coffee shop, since it was written as an answer to a book called He’s Not That Into You (by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo), based on a Sex and the City episode. Kerner’s book also has a Sex and the City feel. In fact, Kerner’s book has pretty much the same target audience, so if you enjoyed the show, you may like the book. Besides being geared to a certain former Cosmo readership, with little about the nuts and bolts of good sex, I feel it only fair to warn AdultFriendFinder.com members that the book’s sexual content is not up to AdultFriendFinder.com’s high standards of graphic detail. Read: bland.
The book makes a couple of points repeatedly. The first is ladies, be honest with yourself when you’re going out with "Mr. Meantime" (a guy who’s tiding you over till something better comes along) -- make sure you know it, want it, and don’t expect to make it into something else. Point two: Don’t settle for less than what you really want -- whether it be intimacy during sex or commitment after sex. Point three: "trust your instincts."
So we’ve made it clear that the book is not great on sex content, or on how-to, and doesn’t even offer a whole lot of factual data -- mostly anecdotes from young, career women in publishing and marketing. And it reads like Kerner wrote most of it off the top of his head in one sitting. And yet, especially in Valentine’s rush week -- when even the sex-craziest lady can be lured to yearn for candlelight and candy -- You’re Not that Into Him Either has some good things to offer.
Romance. Probably the best part of the book comes at the end when Kerner and his wife each get their own chapter to tell the story of how they met. It’s a pretty romantic story, not because it happened at the Eiffel Tower or on the back of a llama in the Bolivian mountains, but because of the changes each of them had to go through before they could finally meet and fall in love.
There are also some insightful lines, for example: "magazines like Cosmo are created for women who view themselves through the male gaze. Women have internalized the male gaze and it follows them everywhere." The anecdotes and observations are great for women who’ve recently been knocked down in the dating ring and need a quick massage to the aches before stepping up to the next round. And if you haven’t made your hot hook-up on AdultFriendFinder by Valentine’s day, Kerner would probably say just enjoy staying at home, curling up, and self-improving with his book, a chocolaty consolation.
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