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What to do When the Sex Goes Away (II)
by Maris Lemieux
[Last week in "What to do When the Sex Goes Away" Part 1, we talked about ways a couple can begin digging themselves out of the resentment pile-up that’s usually at the root of a sex-starved relationship. Part 1 is alive and well and living in our archives. Feel free to visit it for the whole story. But for now, we’ll give you a quick summary:
"As a last ditch effort to revive your icy relationship, there’s a little program you can follow that might just start the spring thaw and you could be heading for summer heat all over again. Here are the steps: 1) Collect the data. 2) Think action not words. 3) Change your program (think and act like your mate) 4) touch without sex 5) Buck up, and risk being open, vulnerable, expressive of your feelings. 6) Don’t talk, take action (did I say this?). 7) Have patience.
Now for Part 2:]
Thawing a relationship that’s been in a deep freeze starts with two strangers getting to know each other’s joy spots (emotionally as well as physically) all over again. That’s right, strangers. Over the years of resentment pileup, of taking each other for granted, of assuming each other’s motives and anticipating each other’s actions, the person you think you know only too well, has in fact become a stranger.
If you can both agree to take this approach toward each other, then you may be able to share each other’s lists (as described in part 1). If you can both agree to pretend you’re strangers, you will actually be reacquainting yourselves to the partners you lost track of along the way. If you can agree on this much, then put on a little mood music, and make a purposeful decision to set aside time "to get to know each other better." This will give you the space you need to play a game of twenty questions aimed at revealing each other’s love styles.
Sit down and spend some time coming up with thoughtful questions. Think about things you really want to know or things you have wanted to know but have never found the right occasion to ask. Try to ask the hard questions, but ones whose answers would be enlightening, not threatening. And make sure these are not blame questions ("why did/do you" is a category of question that is best kept off limits).
Here are a few examples of questions that might work well. Take it from here yourself.
1) Name some things I’ve done recently to make you wonder if I really love you? What?
2) Name some things I’ve done recently to make you feel loved? What?
3) Can you enjoy intimate touching that doesn’t lead to sex?
4) If I just hug you in the middle of the day, a warm close hug, what does it mean to you?
5) On a scale from 1 - 10, how much do you enjoy sensual touching that doesn’t lead to sex?
6) How much do you enjoy taking the lead in sex?
7) How much do you enjoy it if I take the lead in sex?
8) Am I romantic enough for you?
9) What kinds of actions would you list as romantic actions?
10) How important is it for you to hear "I love you," or to have me tell you you’re doing a great job, or to tell you how great you look?
11) If you don’t hear these things from me, what are you thinking?
12) If you had to make a choice, would you rather know I’m thinking of you when we’re apart, or that when we’re together I’m 100 percent attentive?
Take it from here. And if you get stuck for questions, there are plenty of books and articles offering lists of creative, informative, thought-provoking questions, for example Michael Webb’s book, 1000 Questions for Couples.
In addition to finding out things you’ve been curious to know, think of Gary Chapman’s five love languages (see Part 1) and try to determine what language your partner speaks -- does s/he prefer you to do things for her, give him gifts, pay her compliments, spend quality time with him, or hug and cuddle? (Remember that physical touch in this case is not sexual touch). Ask, for example, "would you rather have me give you a surprise gift or surprise you by doing something for you (wash your car, draw you a picture)?"
"If I cooked you a good meal, would you thank me by giving me a hug and kiss or by telling me how much you enjoyed the meal?" (Remember that people often show love according to their own love language, not yours.)
Once you know what turns your partner on and what love language your partner speaks, you’re all set to start thawing the glacier. Even if only one partner decides to reverse the cooling trend, results can spread to the inactive partner. Sometimes one person’s movement or change can wake a partner from hibernation. Ultimately, however, both partners will have to be on board for the love to really heat up again.
First step is to make a decision. Decide to take action. No more words. This includes verbal sparring, arguing, convincing, reasoning, cajoling, pleading, and anything else you’ve tried up to this point. Think ACTION.
ACTION 1. The first action to take is to look over your partner’s lists and responses to your questions for something you can do. He thinks "romantic" is you, reading poetry, find a book of poems. She things romantic is you wearing skimpy underwear, go G-string shopping. If your partner’s lists revealed something you hadn’t heard a million times in the form of a complaint, you’re lucky. But even if you’re not so lucky, start small; start with something you think you can do easily, something you either haven’t done, or have gotten out of the habit of doing. And do it.
Don’t just do it once and wait for applause. Try doing it every day for two weeks. You may have pleasant results.
ACTION 2. Well, actually, you should repeat Action 1 quite a few times using different items on your partner’s "hot lover" wish list (see Part 1).
But now we get to the sticky stuff -- sex. If there’s a sexual imbalance in your relationship -- one partner wants it way more often that the other -- it can be tricky. The partner who has the greater sexual need has probably gone through a pattern of cajoling, pleading, guilt-tripping and complaining. The first step that partner has to take is to pull back.
Groan.
Sorry. It’s sad, but true. If you’ve been the one wanting all the sex, you’ve got to realize that the more you pursue, the more your partner pulls away. If you want your partner to reverse directions, you’ve got to change directions first. Pull a 180.
Now if you and your partner have been abstaining for years -- and this happens -- obviously mere pulling away, without other stragtegies, is not going to do much for you. But performing Action 1 with all due diligence might begin to open things up a bit. You can look to Action 3 and combine it with the ideas here.
For all others, if you’re the partner who wants more sex, start wanting less -- or start expressing it less. If you have managed to browbeat your partner into sex twice a week, then aim for twice a month. Remember, this is only temporary. The idea is to open up some space in the relationship where the less sex-needy partner can get needy (or at least interested).
You can do things to speed this along. A gradual, plan of increasingly intimate play -- a sort of foreplay stretched out over a couple of weeks -- should get your partner interested (that’s if you’ve been carrying out Action 1 faithfully).
Here’s your action plan. a) Speak your partner’s love language -- a compliment, a gift, a service. Then move away. That is, do not ask for sex, do not allow it to happen. b) Next, give your partner non-sexual touch for a few days and move away: a pat on the shoulder, fingers through the hair, a squeeze of the hand, a hug. Do this in a hit and run fashion -- that is, make it very clear that you are not waiting around for a return favor. For partners who are less interested in sex, one of the biggest complaints is "I’m afraid to initiate any kind of physical intimacy for fear I’ll ’start something.’" You’ve got to stem those fears.
Your moving in and then away does two things. As before, it gives your partner space to feel physically close and let their own physicality breathe free; secondly, it plants the seeds that will make them to begin to want more; thirdly, it lets them know you still care.
Practice each of these intimacy "teases" a couple of days before adding the next level to your intimacy actions. c) Next level is to connect with your partner during the work day, some little thing that -- without being obtrusive -- will let your partner know you’re thinking about them, a phone call, a sticky note in their brief case, an email. Get them thinking about you when you’re not around. Get them anticipating. Remember that you’re not warming them up for sex, only for more verbal intimacy. Perhaps in the second week of this abstinence, you can give them a feel that may be sexual, but be sure, again, not to linger and not to let things escalate. You want to inspire desire in your partner. It may take great effort and cool-headedness on your part, but the results should be worth the effort.
If you work this escalated intimacy tease, continue speaking your partner’s love language, and exert great dollops of patience, you should find your lover propositioning you before you ever expect it.
On the other hand, if we’re dealing with a glacier (perhaps it’s been years since you’ve had sex) you need to modify the above approach in a couple of ways.
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